deep in a life is another life

Think about the title of this post. It is a line from the poem below by Marianne Boruch. To be honest, I am not at all sure about the meaning of that line in the context of the poem; I'd rather think about it's meaning in the context of my life...

"deep in a life is another life"


There are a few ways to take that line. I want to consider one...

Here's what I am thinking... I am "known" by people to the degree that I present "myself" to them. To a few perceptive people, I am known even beyond my presentation. Deeper still, I know myself. In one sense, that is me, or rather...that is my "life." But that knowledge is by no means complete, nor is it necessarily accurate. And it is certainly not a static thing... it changes, it's fluid, and it's evolving. Even now, as I am approaching adulthood (well, let's say...middle age... umm...OK...maybe even beyond middle age)... (Maybe I had it right to begin with...maybe I am just approaching adulthood.) Where was I?... OK... this life deep inside this life of mine is coming to fruition... it is a unique and precious thing... stripped of distortions and delusions and protections and fears, (especially fears) I have this "life" this "essence" deep within. This life within is quite possibly where I am in union with God. Could it be the place where, as Paul says, "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me"? I am just scratching the surface here. I am and have always been so full of fear and self-protection that this essence of "self" has been barely, if at all, visible... When I went through my ordeal with cancer, there was a moment or two when maybe I got a little closer... there were also times when I was most certainly far from it... but, I really want to hook-up with that place... there is a sense of urgency... I am more aware than ever that my days are numbered. There is a longing... for what? Maybe it is a longing to be "home" and maybe that is where ultimately that life deep within fully emerges. In the meantime, I sometimes feel it's presence and it's call. And it's "intricate pleasure." And it's peace.


Nest

I walked out, and the nest
was already there by the step. Woven basket
of a saint
sent back to life as a bird
who proceeded to make
a mess of things. Wind
right through it, and any eggs
long vanished. But in my hand it was
intricate pleasure, even the thorny reeds
softened in the weave. And the fading
leaf mold, hardly
itself anymore, merely a trick
of light, if light
can be tricked. Deep in a life
is another life. I walked out, the nest
already by the step.


Marianne Boruch

life flows on...

"...life flows on within you and without you"

All right, I need to get this Beatle stuff out of my system and then move on. George Harrison. I believe he was a "seeker" and that is why I am fond of him. I believe that John was more into the peace movement, i.e. "Give peace a chance," and I think that is why I liked him. I think George was looking within, and looking for some spiritual truth, or else just simply striving to be more loving in relationships. But what do I know... I am basing this on nothing but the lyrics to their songs. Maybe they were totally different than my perceptions. (I don't think so.)

Here is a George Harrison song that flew under the radar, as his music often did. While John was doing "Strawberry Fields Forever," a brilliant piece of music, and Paul was doing "Penny Lane" (not bad as far as Paul's songs went) George was doing this... of course, it didn't get the airplay that either John or Paul got with their songs.

Just listen to the first minute or so... it makes me happy to hear this music. Way more interesting than any love song Paul ever wrote, me thinks... I've read that this was a love song to Patti Boyd... who am I to disagree...maybe it was, especially the last line about "your long blond hair and your eyes of blue," but I think George was seeking something much deeper than long blond hair and blue eyes!


Here is another George song that ignited a spark in me... while I was sitting in my dorm room reading Ram Dass "Be Here Now" and listening to this, and getting high.. it just opened me up... my spiritual journey was beginning... I never expected it would eventually lead me to Jesus, but I believe He was at work in me even then, slowly bringing me to a place where this Jewish agnostic hippie wannabe could receive Him.

nowhere you can be

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

it's easy...

Ah, yes, John had it right...as much as I may disagree or feel sad about some of John's blindness in regard to spiritual matters, I must admit, he got a few things right. (I must admit also to a deep fondness for George Harrison, but that's for another post...) Listen to this verse at 2:02 into this song. I tell you it is true. From the midst of this "bad" day I am having I know it is true. I know it is true. What trials we endure and what incredible powerful ways we grow if we are open to learn from them. What we can learn through our pain! Perhaps I am a bit of a fatalist, but it is actually a very courageous and optimistic way of being. I am at this very moment where I'm meant to be... and the lessons that this place (i.e. God?) will teach me, if I receive them, will take me where I need to go, as I act with intention and love.

What are we learning, you and I, as we are getting collectively older? We are learning about being mindful of the very present moment we are living, accepting that moment without judging it; receiving it graciously as from the hand of God, and living it fully. Yes, it's a better way of living and a better way of dying.

Happy Day... it is marvelous in our eyes

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
His steadfast love endures forever.
The Lord is my strength and my song
And he has become my salvation.

The right hand of the Lord has triumphed,
The right hand of the Lord is exalted!
The stone that the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone;
This is the Lord’s doing and it is marvelous in our eyes.

This very day the Lord has acted:
Let us rejoice!
God’s name be praised!

From Psalm 118

tremble

'twas I

I have experienced only four incidents of outright anti-semitism in my life. (not counting the variety of times I've heard the phrase "jew'em down"... when I hear someone use this phrase, I generally confront them; the response is often something like ... "it's not anti-semitic; it's just a saying.")

I was thinking today about the first incident... I was in elementary school... I went into the boys room, and there were two older, bully type kids (I was probably in the 5th grade, they were "older" probably 6th graders.) I was wearing a ring with a Star of David on it...I think it was probably plastic, I don't remember where I got it or who gave it to me. Maybe Hebrew School, maybe my parents. One of the kids asked to see my ring... I raised my hand to show him... he then grabbed me and pinned my arms while the other kid took the ring off my hand and flushed it down the toilet. The one who grabbed me told me I was a "Christ killer" and said I was going to go to hell when I died.

Now... that memory came back to me today... I decided it was time to forgive those two bullies... after all, they had it half right!

We all had a hand in this, didn't we? Those bully kids...their parents... you... and I. This is a verse of a hymn sung today...

Who was the guilty? Who brought this upon thee?
Alas, my treason, Jesus, hath undone thee.
'Twas I, Lord Jesus, I it was denied thee:
I crucified thee.

Kerouac

I have had a love affair with Jack Kerouac's On the Road since I first read it in 1975. I read it on a Greyhound bus traveling from Nebraska to Los Angeles to visit a friend, then from L.A. to New York to see my family, and then back to Nebraska where I was a depressed graduate student. On a whim, over winter break, I bought a 30 day unlimited travel Greyhound bus pass that I took full advantage of. Traveling across the country on a bus that stopped every hour or so at every podunk town we drove through, sitting in the smoking section in the back of the bus with assorted characters and not sleeping for three or four days was one of the great experiences of my life. At one point, some drunk sat next to me and he insisted we take turns having a swig from his whiskey flask as he talked to me all through the night. I was never much of a drinker, and the whiskey made me nauseated and dizzy. The smokey bus added to the ambiance. He rambled on and made little sense at all. I felt a little like I was in a twilight zone episode in which I was dropped down into the pages of the book I was reading. I didn't realize at the time how great the experience was. But it was. I was so tired, I was hallucinating by the time I got to L.A., and that wasn't even the long cross country leg of the journey. At another point, we stopped for an hour or two in Las Vegas, and I had my first encounter with that city. I bought a bag of apples and then lost all the money I had left for the trip to NY in my "Introduction to a downtown casino in Vegas at 2AM" module. (about $40...I was a poor student - why else would I be traveling by bus?) As I sat in the bus station at around 3:00AM with my bag of apples, I did feel somewhat like the homeless people I was sitting with. When one came over and asked me if he could have one of my apples, I felt justified in saying "no." However, I also felt really guilty and tried to explain that this would be all I had to eat for the next few days and I really was completely and hopelessly broke and I would probably run out of apples before New Jersey.

So... that was how I discovered the wondrous Jack Kerouac book. I read it on the road as it was meant to be read.

Since I am no longer riding Greyhound buses, no longer hitch-hiking, and sad to say, I have never hopped a freight train... the next best thing has been listening to the audio-book while I am driving in my car. It's not quite the same twilight zone experience as reading on a cross country Greyhound bus, but Matt Dillon does a great job reading the book, and at least in a car, it's a little closer than reading the book in my warm comfy bed. Every few years, I listen to the book while I drive. I am listening to it right now. It never gets old.

Kerouac died at age 47 in 1969... he was a bad alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver...he started vomitting blood and they couldn't stop the bleeding. Yes, 47.

If you've never read the book, go to the library and see if they have the audiobook... check it out and listen on a long road trip. It's best listened to if you've been up for two or three days. Here are a few quotes from the first few chapters:

"They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn..."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Ch. 1

"And as I sat there listening to that sound of the night which bop has come to represent for all of us, I thought of my friends from one end of the country to the other and how they were really all in the same vast backyard doing something so frantic and rushing-about.
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Ch. 3

"I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was — I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Ch. 3

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Ch. 4

It's trivial

I found myself really being annoyed by a trivial thing yesterday. Trivial. Nonetheless, ruminating annoyance ate up about an hour of my life. Last evening, I was reading something by a Benedictine writer... I was struck by a simple bit of advice made by the writer. The advice was aimed at those who live in a monastery. If you are living with other monks in a monastery "don't let the trivial get to you."

That seems like an obvious statement. But, as I watch myself, I see that much of the annoyances and frustrations in my life stem from triviality... particularly as my ego gets involved. If I am not careful, I'll get all caught up in entitlements, feel slighted, have my sense of pride wounded, etc.

Here is my addition to that wise statement... "If you let something trivial get to you, you become as trivial as the thing itself!"

Listen to this: Every year 10,000 girls as young as 7 years old are sold into the sex slave traffic in Nepal. These girls are often promised jobs, placements with loving families, or they are simply sold by their own families to sex traffickers. They are smuggled across the border into India and taken to brothels where they are raped, brutalized, and kept locked up, often in cages. THIS IS NOT TRIVIAL ... this is something to be outraged by. And if you want to help rescue a child... the cost of rescuing a child is about $23.00 Yes, $23 can rescue a girl from a life of unbearable trauma. By the way...here's the link for a rescue organization. I know one of the founders of the organization; just a local guy who wanted to do something with his life to make a difference.

www.tinyhandsinternational.org

Now, what was so frustrating to me yesterday? Being kept on hold and listening to the statement "please hold, your call is important to us" several dozen times. Get over yourself Steven... you can hang up and call again later if your time is so precious. Really... is it that bad that I need to get all annoyed and act all snooty and sarcastic when the call was finally answered? How about spending 10 minutes inside the life of one of those innocent girls in Nepal...

If you are a sensitive person, there is this danger always lurking... to let the trivial get to you. To feel hurt, ignored, neglected, slighted, by something trivial. We can use our sensitivity to love others, but we must be careful when that same sensitivity gets turned inward. It can eat us up! We can act like spoiled children...or...we can do so much good, we can be light to the world... we can take a few minutes and turn for good the entire life of another human being for $23.00...

True enough, true enough.

Eighteen month check-up

A brief note. My 18 month post cancer treatment check-up with the ENT went well...no indication of cancer... there is one sort of mysterious cut on the side of my tongue that is bothersome, but he said it did not look like anything that he would need to biopsy... and that it could be related to the saliva issues (dry mouth) and my tongue rubbing against my back teeth when I talk... if it gets worse... then he'll take a more serious look at it... the other small pains I reported are just random lingering radiation related after effects. The pains themselves are completely manageable, it is always what they might mean that concerns me. He said... not to worry - everything looks good.

So... it never is quite perfect... but I am happy and grateful (with a tiny pocket of small concern)

It has been a beautiful spring and I am walking and doing a bit of biking, and loving it. It seems the older I get, the more the weather can impact my mood. These days... that's a good thing!

An appropriate Chinese proverb to ponder:

A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses.


A cyber-rose to you all.

We are not helpless

Today was one of those synchronistic days... everything built on everything else and I felt really inspired by God, people, poetry, music, and on and on. I felt high. I've been thinking about the idea of the neuroplasticity of the brain and how incredibly exciting the implications are of this. I am thinking about undertaking some re-wiring of my own brain in an intentional manner... through meditation, and through being intentional about what I think, read, ponder, pray, create... days like today, I think I am on the verge of something... I also wonder on days like today if I have a touch of mania operating... my mind gets to racing a bit. Anyway... I felt like hugging everyone today and blessing them (truth is, I didn't hug anyone, but I felt like it). I hope in some way I blessed everyone I spoke with ... You know, we are not helpless to change, and it is never too late to renew our minds... it is NEVER too late... imagine that... we get "do-overs" all through our life... if only we could more fully engage that truth! We have such a merciful God! We get do-overs in body, mind, and soul...we are forgiven...we are renewable...and we are so NOT helpless!

Tomorrow, I go for my year and half check-up with the ENT... then in two weeks with the oncologist. I still have these phantom pains, and I will be very relieved to get a good report, should that be the case. Should it not be the case... I'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

Speaking of helpless...here is a wonderful musical moment...I wish the title of the song were different, maybe something like "All my Changes." but nonetheless... wow... Neil Young and the Band. Could it get any better?

My desire

I've been thoroughly enjoying reading some Thomas Merton recently. Here is a famous prayer of his:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.” (from Thoughts in Solitude)

I've mentioned some character flaws... I wonder sometimes if and how I will ever be able to please God... but then, I realize, a la Merton, that simply the sincere desire to please Him is pleasing to Him. If I think about the heart of a loving father, this makes perfect sense. I am full of flaws, defects, and well, sin. But I am also full of desire for Him. And that desire may be the only thing I can offer Him. And even as I offer this desire to Him, I realize it came from Him... I just offer it back. I think there is some eternal rhythm here, the awareness of which I've just scratched the surface.

I had a thought today that all these weaknesses, defects of character and flaws in some meaningful ways... have left me hungry with desire for God ... so, then, how thankful I am for these, my flaws! Poorly stated... let me try again... how thankful I am for where these flaws have brought me... I didn't get here pounding my chest and bellowing... I got here more crawling and scratching my way along. And, dare I think, God is somehow pleased with that?

By and through my imperfections I come to Him, entirely empty handed, with just this simple desire, and, He, being who He is, receives me. This is too magnificent!