Two years in remission

Today, October 15, 2011, I celebrate two years in remission from my stage four throat cancer. Yes, two years. My life is again full and busy and my energy is back. I taste food again, though perhaps a little less intensely. I've regained 15 of the 30 pounds I lost and I am now at a perfect weight for me. (All things considered, I'd have rather done weight watchers to lose that stubborn 15 pounds). I have a few lingering issues - I am hypothyroid (and on meds for that) and my salivary glands forgot to come back (I drink more water than my lawn). These are small things in the grand scheme of my life.

Here is what I want to say:

Cancer is such a hard journey. I have not the adjectives to describe the emotional, physical and spiritual difficulty of it. It leaves a hole in your body, your life. Rather, I should say, it left a hole in my body, my life. But looking back, I see that God was and is there...and in some mystical way, the ruins and ravages of cancer left more space for Him to fill and inhabit. I didn't always experience that filling in the moment... quite the contrary, in the moment of suffering, I was aware of little else but my pain and self-pity. I was so miserable (and, dare I say, cowardly) in my suffering. Nonetheless, I believe that it happened. I know it. And I believe I am on a journey home. If I am to linger here, I'm blessed. And if He makes a shortcut for me, I am blessed again. I may not always be so joyously positive; I know I was awfully depressed in the darkest days of radiation and chemotherapy... But this is where I am today.

There is much about suffering, there is much about gratitude, there is much about compassion that I have yet to understand, but I am still growing... there are vast oceans of growth yet to cross.

If anyone stumbles here and is on that hard journey, I am honored by your presence. If I can pray, encourage, listen... send me an e-mail: steveblum77@gmail.com. We are strengthened when we walk together. I am strengthened when I listen. And more than ever, I am learning to listen.

blessings!
steve

Goodbye again... happy day... a good year

So... as I indicated somewhere, I think the profile page... I intended for this to be a year long blog, and here we are, exactly one year later. In a way... I must say... it's definitely time to bring this to an end. I'll tell you why soon.

But for now, let me comment with a restating of a phrase I quoted in my initial post to this blog on June 8, 2010.

My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon.
(Chinese, Japanese or Taoist saying/proverb/poem, depending on who is quoting it.)

Here is why I chose to use that saying... to me, my life BC (before cancer) was the barn... that life is gone...in that life, I felt immortal and Peter Panish. The mirror said I was getting older, but I never FELT it. "The moon" represented to me what I wanted to make of my new life that took it's place. And I think I'm still reclaiming and discovering new life here. I've recently begun having more days than not of feeling well again... really, it's taken that long... in the past week I went for two one-hour bike rides, early morning, on a peaceful bike trail, and I was cognizant of feeling very much alive and full of life. I feel good often... I love my job (sometimes it doesn't feel like work anymore, it just flows with my day, and though I think about future retirement from time to time, when I really think about it, I think I'd prefer to just keep doing what I'm doing while I can... that's an awesome good feeling.) I feel I am still growing spiritually, still on a journey that I have much to yet learn and grow in. Oh, God knows, I am far from "mature" spiritually, but I sense His patience and grace with me more than His disappointment. In November, I will complete my Novitiate status and formally become a Benedictine Oblate... it brings a meaningful set of spiritual disciplines into my life, that ultimately, I find, brings me into closer relationship with God. I still struggle at times with some treatment related side effects, primarily the loss of a good deal of salivary function, but I think I am not as hampered by it as I was even a few months ago. I was told that after two years, what I got back is what I will get, and I still have four more months before that two year mark. I can live with this.

But, back to the blog. I don't think it's particularly meaningful right now, and so, I think I need to stop.

Here's several reasons why:

1. There has been no direction or "purpose" to whisper salad, and unlike the first blog I did, this one just seemed to be aimless... I felt it going nowhere. Truthfully, I am giving this blog a C- grade at best. When I read the posts on the Deeper than Cancer blog, particularly the five months of August-December 2009, when I wrote about the cancer treatment journey I was going through and the fears/depression/pain and finally early steps of recovery I traversed, it seemed there was a flow and a purpose and a connection happening. Not so much here. I'm disappointed with myself.

2. I'd like to work on being a better writer, but I can't seem to do that publicly; I am too aware that people (even if only a few people) are tuning in and reading. I think I need to spend some time writing in a more private fashion so I can focus solely on that.

3. After a break, perhaps for the summer... I may try this again, only this time... there will be some direction and cohesiveness. I've had several thoughts, but nothing definitive. I've thought about either keeping it related to the Benedictine Oblate journey I am taking, or keeping it focused on poetry, or, hell, maybe something related to turning 60 (this November) and trying to transform my 60th year into a year of creative purposeful living. I don't know. And I am not sure it's the right thing to do.

4. I have a website now for my Private Practice ( www.stevenblum.net ) and I have tried to keep this blogging separate and not accessible to clients (it's a little too personal), but Google has a way of linking things up... so if I do another blog, I might do it under an assumed name and identity...

5. Which brings me to this... if you are reading this, and want to be aware if I do start another blog in the fall... e-mail me and let me know (my e-mail address: steve@stevenblum.net or, the e-mail address this blog is linked to : steveblum77@gmail.com, that will work as well)... I will keep your name/address confidential, and will send you an e-mail if and when I start another blog... that way... I need not link it to this blog and can keep it generally anonymous, yet let you know where to find me.

Finally, let me say this... God Bless you for taking time to read... I really appreciate the comments and the number counter which says there have been quite a few "hits" to this blog... I hope to find you again down the road... or should I say... I hope you find me. In the meantime, to the friends I have and the friends I have made here, and the friends I have yet to "meet"... keep in touch via e-mail, and I will do likewise. Keep reading... there are some really good writers blogging and it's fun to find them. Every now and then... hit the "next blog" link at the top of the page... you never know when you will stumble upon a gem.

Have a fantastic, fun and meaningful summer... fill it with joy!

God Bless,
Steve

Music and emotion

A song heard at the right moment can change your day, your night, your week. Isn't it something that one's whole mood can be lifted or dropped by a combination of melody, voice and lyric? It's true for me anyway. But it's not so simple. There are other variables operating, because that very same song can, under different circumstances, be just background noise. A song might bring out a variety of feelings depending on the context and mood one enters into the listening with, as well as the context and mood of the memories triggered back to when that song was first heard. Here is a song that never fails to brings out a complexity of emotions in me. Nostalgia, longing, sadness, hope, grief, excitement, despair, joy... how is that possible? If I want to know how I'm doing these days, I think I can play this song and the emotions elicited will inform me. Good grief...who needs the MMPI or Rorschach when there has been music like this out there? I know there is good music here and there coming out these days, but it takes so much time wading through all the crap to get to it... and with all the good ol'stuff reincarnated and uploaded on YouTube... it's nice now and then to drift back to those days. Some music ages like fine wine... some turns rancid. How could Leonard Cohen write so haunting a song? It's too much... It's almost unbearable! And his zombie-like delivery just makes it all the more intense. (Caution...if you are too young to be acquainted with this song... there were times in years past when I was on the edge emotionally that this song was just too dangerous to listen to... hmmmm... perhaps that's a reflection of my past angst and not the song...nevermind...)

Night prayer

I recently discovered that a small chapel about a mile from our house has "night prayer" every night at 8:00 PM. Truth be told, at 8:00PM on weeknights, I am more likely to be sitting in front of my TV than anywhere else... and a mile down the road, in a beautiful and peaceful chapel that holds no more than about 40 people, and generally has an attendance of 15-20 people, a Compline service is being quietly conducted. I have made it a goal that this month, more days than not, I will be there for the service.

As I have mentioned before, I am in the Novitiate stage of becoming a Benedictine Oblate. One of the reasons I am drawn to Monastic spirituality is the intentional way that those in Monastic communities live with a certain rhythym and flow in the presence of God. With all the habits we develop, (being "present" for our favorite TV show - not so necessary anymore now that we have Tivo/DVR - having dessert after dinner, morning coffee, reading the Newspaper, etc.), there is no point to raging against the reality that we are creatures of habit. Even our pets have habits. Simcha, our last cat, had evening rituals... in many ways she was a creature of habit. Not so much our new cat Mishu, who is a creature of impulse. But Simcha had a certain order to her life that fascinated me.
But I digress. So, I've had enough of feeding bad habits, and I feel a certain desire to incorporate "habits" that acknowledge and honor God, and habits that feed my "higher" self with the time that I have left. And, I find that when I attend the Compline service, I enter the evening with much greater peace. Also, I am less concerned than ever about "denomination." I am not a Catholic, yet, I find a reverence and beauty in the Divine office. It is like poetry to God. I don't care what denominational language is spoken, if I am making music to God and honoring Jesus...

...it's good stuff!

Protect us, Lord, as we stay awake; watch over us as we sleep, that awake, we may keep watch with Christ, and asleep, rest in his peace. Alleluia.

It's allright ma, I'm only bleedin

How many times must a man..... hear that Bob Dylan has turned 70?

If he is that old, what happened to time? Why do I still see him in my mind as about 25? I was 13 when I first heard Dylan thanks to my 15 year old step-brother, who hung out with an older crowd of New York City kids. I was quite early to the show. Dylan was not yet a household name. I took my stepbrother's Dylan album to my room to listen on my pathetic little record player and wore the grooves off the record. I had many dark moods as an adolescent, and listening to songs like "In my time of dyin" and "Baby let me follow you down" just resonated, as eventually did his protest songs several years later. For the next ten years Dylan was my main hero. Then, his music seemed to lose it's magic for me. He seemed to have sunk into mediocrity. In the mid 70's he released "Blood on the Tracks" which restored for me some of my admiration for him, but then he seemed to drift again. In 1979 I had a remarkable, overwhelming born-again experience, and became a Christian; and within a month, I heard that Dylan had converted to Christianity as well. I felt like I was right there with him again when he put out his next two "Christian" albums..."Slow train coming" and "Saved." My conversian happened independent of any "church" connection, so I was hungry for anyone who could relate to what was happening in my life, and he was speaking the language of my experience again. I have no idea where Dylan is spiritually today, and I haven't enjoyed any of his albums in the last decade or so.

One thing I give him credit for is that he has always said he is not a hero or out to change the world. He is right about that. I think Dylan the man is far more human, fallible, and perhaps materialistic than the ideals we held him and his music to in the 60's. He had some great songs and lyrics and some awful albums as well. I didn't bother getting tickets to the last concert he did here, as I was totally disappointed the last two times I saw him.

Oh, well, that's the way it goes with heros. They have nowhere to go but down. As Dylan himself wrote...

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their marks
Made everything from toy guns that sparks
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.


Oh, but he wrote some awesome songs. Happy 70th!

warm your heart

It's been a beautiful weekend and I've been warmed by being outdoors for much of it and playing with my crazy cat and spending time with my wife and eating lots of good food. So warm your heart with this video clip. It gets better as it goes! Take four minutes and enjoy!

and this is living

Since I am living, it serves me well to pay attention

to wake up...to stay aware...

and always stay open to God's presence.



"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

Yes, it is a good thing to be still. Not just good...I find it to be a necessary thing. I lose my way otherwise. Really. I went for my usual early morning walk a few days ago. It broke my heart... this cute little terrier dog started following me. Normally, dogs do that for awhile and then go home. Not this dog... I kept trying to get it to stop following me and return to whence it came, but it kept running ahead of me. After about two miles, it ran off and I didn't see it again. I'm sure it was lost. That just breaks my heart. I'm like that dog when I forget to be still. Chasing this and that like a fool until I am totally lost.

I value stillness and I value the "still small voice" of God that can be found in that stillness. As well as the awareness that comes in slowing down. All of it...the awful sadness of life as well as the awesome joy.

There is so much to experience and learn in being still before God.


Anyway, here's a poem... a nice perspective on what paying attention can be like. Notice how paying attention in the poem gets smaller and smaller and more detailed... from the world to a bear to the movement of a specific gracehopper's jaw... it's great stuff!

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down,
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?


~ Mary Oliver ~