When you've been through a trauma...there is a part of you inside that wants no reminders of what happened, and a part of you inside that keys on every slight reminder. You can't seem to help it, and it suddenly seems like reminders are everywhere. I swear, during cancer treatment, 50% of the commercials I saw on TV were about cancer... I could recite the cyberknife at St. Elizabeth's hospital commercial in my sleep (... I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me...) OK, maybe that thought worked for some people... Patrick Swayze was dying, and it seemed there were more embedded messages about dying of cancer than there were clues on Abbey Road and Sgt Peppers that Paul McCartney was dead.
So...now I've changed blogs, I want to forget it, I promised myself I would...
and here I am still. I'm not apologizing for it, but it amazes me that I can't get through a day almost a year after treatment has been completed that I don't think about cancer. So I guess that means I need to keep talking (writing) about it.
Here's a clip of Michael Douglas on Letterman this past week talking about being diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. I remember so well, the first week of treatment for my stage 4 throat cancer. I thought..."this isn't so bad, I can't believe I am going to need that feeding tube they put in my stomach..." Getting the feeding tube wasn't fun, and I got an infection in my stomach, but my throat and the radiation and initial chemo...not so bad... My heart goes out to him... it sounds like he has a sense of what's going to come next... my oncologist and ENT warned me that I'll feel pretty "beat up." I guess I had never been beat up before, so I didn't really have a clue about what would follow in the next few months.
I am now praying for Michael Douglas...may God be with him, and may he recover and get through this and thrive. I want to see living proof all around me that people make it...I've met several, and interacted with a few survivors, including Ted Kooser (11 years and counting), but it can never be enough...there's that 20%...30%...40% depending on what research one is reading that don't make it. There's the permanent damage to salivary glands and perhaps taste buds that are permanent reminders, the miscellaneous sore throats and minor neck pain that sends a shiver of fear up my spine...
I live with gratitude and great appreciation of little delights and joys. But there is this black dog barking in the distant background...sometimes I forget he's there, and sometimes, that's all I seem to hear... I guess he's always been there, I just never noticed him before...
Be well, Michael Douglas. Thank you for asking Dave for a hug...
The same part that wants no reminders, no mention, is the same part that makes us hide the fact of cancer, like it's contagious, or something shameful. It is a part of what makes you, you. Living through it, enduring it, being generous enough to share it with us, is what truly counts. You are on the other side of it now, proof that it holds no sway, that it cannot take away the core of you. It can run you through the mill, through valleys of despair, but at the end of it, you come through and live your life. And we all learn from this, to be thankful, grateful, to cherish every moment with loved ones and most of all, to take nothing and no one for granted. Your faithful readers have learned this from your journey, and, though we may not post comments all the time, be assured that we do read your every word and are thankful for your presence in the world. Namaste.
ReplyDeletethank you, anonymous... what wisdom in your counsel... and kind words!
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