So... as I indicated somewhere, I think the profile page... I intended for this to be a year long blog, and here we are, exactly one year later. In a way... I must say... it's definitely time to bring this to an end. I'll tell you why soon.
But for now, let me comment with a restating of a phrase I quoted in my initial post to this blog on June 8, 2010.
My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon.
(Chinese, Japanese or Taoist saying/proverb/poem, depending on who is quoting it.)
Here is why I chose to use that saying... to me, my life BC (before cancer) was the barn... that life is gone...in that life, I felt immortal and Peter Panish. The mirror said I was getting older, but I never FELT it. "The moon" represented to me what I wanted to make of my new life that took it's place. And I think I'm still reclaiming and discovering new life here. I've recently begun having more days than not of feeling well again... really, it's taken that long... in the past week I went for two one-hour bike rides, early morning, on a peaceful bike trail, and I was cognizant of feeling very much alive and full of life. I feel good often... I love my job (sometimes it doesn't feel like work anymore, it just flows with my day, and though I think about future retirement from time to time, when I really think about it, I think I'd prefer to just keep doing what I'm doing while I can... that's an awesome good feeling.) I feel I am still growing spiritually, still on a journey that I have much to yet learn and grow in. Oh, God knows, I am far from "mature" spiritually, but I sense His patience and grace with me more than His disappointment. In November, I will complete my Novitiate status and formally become a Benedictine Oblate... it brings a meaningful set of spiritual disciplines into my life, that ultimately, I find, brings me into closer relationship with God. I still struggle at times with some treatment related side effects, primarily the loss of a good deal of salivary function, but I think I am not as hampered by it as I was even a few months ago. I was told that after two years, what I got back is what I will get, and I still have four more months before that two year mark. I can live with this.
But, back to the blog. I don't think it's particularly meaningful right now, and so, I think I need to stop.
Here's several reasons why:
1. There has been no direction or "purpose" to whisper salad, and unlike the first blog I did, this one just seemed to be aimless... I felt it going nowhere. Truthfully, I am giving this blog a C- grade at best. When I read the posts on the Deeper than Cancer blog, particularly the five months of August-December 2009, when I wrote about the cancer treatment journey I was going through and the fears/depression/pain and finally early steps of recovery I traversed, it seemed there was a flow and a purpose and a connection happening. Not so much here. I'm disappointed with myself.
2. I'd like to work on being a better writer, but I can't seem to do that publicly; I am too aware that people (even if only a few people) are tuning in and reading. I think I need to spend some time writing in a more private fashion so I can focus solely on that.
3. After a break, perhaps for the summer... I may try this again, only this time... there will be some direction and cohesiveness. I've had several thoughts, but nothing definitive. I've thought about either keeping it related to the Benedictine Oblate journey I am taking, or keeping it focused on poetry, or, hell, maybe something related to turning 60 (this November) and trying to transform my 60th year into a year of creative purposeful living. I don't know. And I am not sure it's the right thing to do.
4. I have a website now for my Private Practice ( www.stevenblum.net ) and I have tried to keep this blogging separate and not accessible to clients (it's a little too personal), but Google has a way of linking things up... so if I do another blog, I might do it under an assumed name and identity...
5. Which brings me to this... if you are reading this, and want to be aware if I do start another blog in the fall... e-mail me and let me know (my e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org or, the e-mail address this blog is linked to : email@example.com, that will work as well)... I will keep your name/address confidential, and will send you an e-mail if and when I start another blog... that way... I need not link it to this blog and can keep it generally anonymous, yet let you know where to find me.
Finally, let me say this... God Bless you for taking time to read... I really appreciate the comments and the number counter which says there have been quite a few "hits" to this blog... I hope to find you again down the road... or should I say... I hope you find me. In the meantime, to the friends I have and the friends I have made here, and the friends I have yet to "meet"... keep in touch via e-mail, and I will do likewise. Keep reading... there are some really good writers blogging and it's fun to find them. Every now and then... hit the "next blog" link at the top of the page... you never know when you will stumble upon a gem.
Have a fantastic, fun and meaningful summer... fill it with joy!