Since I have no early clients scheduled this morning, I either get to do paperwork or waste time. I choose the latter, and thus, I give myself a little time to contemplate... Since my cancer diagnosis and hellish treatment/recovery, I have thought more about certain life "issues." And...this morning my thoughts drift toward a few of these issues, thanks to a quote I received in an e-mail, and something I heard on the radio on my 2 mile drive to my office. I was thinking about two things this morning... (1) whether I would consider my life a "success." (2) what exactly gives my life meaning and value in the present "now" I am living. I am certainly not alone in reflecting on these issues now that cancer has invaded my life. I think it's virtually a universal phenomena that when one brushes with death, after a certain age and modest degree of maturity... whatever time one has left, there is a tendency to ponder a little more about the meaning of one's life.
Here's the quote I got in an e-mail:
The spiritual journey is not a career or a success story. It is a series of humiliations of the false self that become more and more profound.
Fr. Thomas Keating
WHAT??? "a series of humiliations of the false self" Again this morning,I am slapped in the face (for the thousandth time) that I still tend to use the wrong template for a sense of success. I am fully responsible for creating that monster, but dear ol' dad sure pounded that distorted (false) idea of "success" into my head... or was it just my lifetime unreachable ambition to hear him say "I am proud of you." that kept (keeps) me pursuing that false self. Just last night, I was rumninating about my career and career "accomplishments." I have given such weight to that false self! It's really a ghost...
AND IT IS HUMILIATING WHEN I REALIZE THAT SO MUCH OF MY LIFE I'VE CHASED GHOSTS AT THE EXPENSE OF SUBSTANCE. I am talking about money, ... I am talking about "image"... I am talking about "approval" and I am talking about vanity. (I once saw Woody Allen say that everything he ever did in his life was done in order to meet girls!)
Listen...you can't get to the real promised land without having to walk away from what you always thought the promised land was...
The other statement that impacted me this morning was listening to something on the radio about what happens at funerals. Often, someone recites details in the life of the deceased. While the litany of "accomplishments" (degrees, jobs, titles,etc.) is being recited, the room is cold and bored. It only comes alive when the discussion turns to what that person loved... the homemade telescope, the outings with the grandkids, etc. THEN, there is warmth in the room.
What people lose when someone dies is what that person loved! NOT what that person accomplished... no one really cares about degrees, titles, bank balances, number of hours worked... they will think more about the juicy hamburger they ate on Sunday than they will about the Ph.D. that Uncle Steve got. REALLY. I know that....
There's a hint in there about the real measure of success... What do I love and how do I show it????????????????????
Here's a great poem... I highlighted one line... the "you only" in that line ... there's the rub... she makes it sound so simple... Tell me, Mary...how long will it take to get all these tapes out of my head so that I could get to that place?
---WILD GEESE---
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
-----------Mary Oliver
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