grief and longing

It was a year ago today that my sister-in-law, Susan, died of cancer...just 24 hours after I had been diagnosed with cancer myself and within a week of when Barb, my mother-in-law,  had cancer surgery. My mom died four years ago this month. Larry, my closest friend from grad. school, died two years ago from MS.

And it was four months ago this week that our 8 year old cat Simca had to be put down after suddenly developing a bloodclot.

Life has moved on.   And I am not arguing with life nor am I ungrateful about it.  We have a new sweet kitten, playful and mischievous.  I have a new life, and a clean bill of health...I have much to be thankful for.

...but suddenly life is accompanied by losses. Big and small.    I flirted with death, and I've known the dying of family and friends. I live with  loss of physical functioning...post cancer treatment food no longer tastes that good, it is often a painful chore to eat, and some foods that I always loved taste downright bad.  I am constantly bothered by dry mouth, and my tongue burns most all the time...it's just a matter of how much.  From time to time, I experience a wave of fatigue that would have been incomprehensible to my old life.   I no longer feel young; in fact, there are days I feel downright "older."  Truthfully, there are days I think of my death as something close at hand, a feeling that a year ago this week was unknown to me. One year is too short of a time span to experientially travel from youth to old age.

And there are moments like this morning... like right now, yes, right now,  that I so long for the things that I have lost that it is physically painful.   O.K., I have moved on to my new life with acceptance and gratitude, but there are moments...

...I want Simca back.   I really want her back.  Somehow, I have taken all the undealt with grief from losing my mother, my friend, my sister-in-law, and my cancer, and projected it onto the loss of that cat.  I can't explain it.  But you can just take this cute new kitten away and give me my old cat back. I want to feel her weight on my chest when I wake up. I want her staring me down at dinner time until I get her fed. I want to once more momentarily freeze in my tracks and plan my escape when I see the attack look in her eyes. I want her total and complete indifference to having her name called when she didn't care to move, and then 20 minutes later demanding attention by laying down on top of whatever article in the newspaper I happened to be reading and refuse to budge... I want her back. 

Well, sure, I suppose I'd like to call my mother about the veggies in our garden and tell her I miss her and New York,  and I'd like to look forward to the eating of Friday's dinner out with my wife again. And talk to my friend Larry about how his private practice and his team, the Detroit Tigers are doing, or talk to Susan about how her team, the Cubs are once again losing...and sure, I'd like to feel young again like I did a year ago...

But just give me back that damn cat.  

the upper hand

"I lived between my heart and my head,
like a married couple who can’t get along."
          Edward Hirsch

What an interesting way to start a poem...The poem is  titled "Self portrait."   When I read that poem the other day,  it occurred to me that the war between the head and the heart in my life ended with a decisive victory in favor of the head years ago...and I had hardly noticed.   I am unsure, however, if the better side won...My head  has had the upper hand for so long that my heart submits with barely a whimper.

Isn't it time for a little rally of the heart, a time to breathe some life back into the mix?  Yes.  bring it on. Let the internal boat rock a bit... why not, since  my heart is where the joy in my life has always called home!  It was my heart that came alive in the late 60's and it was my heart that had a spiritual awakening in the early 80's.  What happened?  How could I have forgotten?  What has my head accomplished that could touch either of those events?  What has 25 years of school and a 30+ year career, and 20 years of being an in-your-head-evangelical-Christian done to me?  I don't place the blame on academia, the church, the APA...I just think I slowly became complacent in surrendering the heart to the head.  I'm not talking about having a mid-life crisis, here...I'm beyond mid-life...I'm certainly not talking about turning away from my faith (the problem isn't Jesus, it's my head, and He's been whispering to my heart all along), or quitting my career... I'm talking about giving the heart permission to speak up a bit and airing it's own meaningful and strong point of view in matters.  even if it creates a little internal squable  Doctor...get out the paddles...get that current flowing.   Clear...

Time to mix it up a little, no?   No, not like a married couple who can't get along. It's just time to restore the balance of power to a more equitable position. A little road trip from the head on down the highway to the heart... while the heart still beats!  

Here's the poet, Edward Hirsch, reading "Self-portrait" and two more of his poems -

Birthday Adventure #1 - the plan

"Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revery, amidst the pines and hickories and sumachs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, until by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveller's wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time..." from Walden, by Thoreau

My last post referenced "easing into a conversation" ...this one is about easing out of conversation and into solitude. To make a long story short, after a particularly miserable birthday last year, I have decided to celebrate my birthday, which falls on the 5th day of the 11th month, every month, on the 5th, for the next twelve, with a birthday adventure each month. That is a gift I am giving myself. Talk about self-indulgent!

I have made arrangements for birthday adventure #1. I have a reservation for August 5th at a beautiful Monastery out in the country in the middle of nowhere to spend a day in solitude. Me and the monks. Their food is great, they have a nice pond, an area to walk, and most importantly, a respect for silence and solitude.

I have a lot to think over, and a lot of stuff I need to delete/empty out from my brain. I plan on bringing a Bible, a notebook, and a meditation cushion. Things I will not bring...a cellphone, a computer, a newspaper... A one day silent retreat does seem rather short, but to be true to my "plan" my adventures are to only last 24 hours at most.

I aspire to be "monk-like" and I mean that in a very idealistic manner. I am a miserable failure. Perhaps I am "quiet" as a person from an observer's perspective, but I am full of inner noise and conversation. I am not talking about deep, profound, spiritual thoughtfulness. I am talking about superficial noise. I am frequently traveling through time in my head...replaying the past, projecting into the future, dwelling on nonsensical things. In spite of this, I also have had just enough of a taste of true inner peace, calm, quiet and presence to know what it is I am after. Perhaps that's the problem!

As I am typing this, here is what is going on: I rent my office, or rather a suite of offices, that I sublet to other therapists. Several of them have other "day jobs" so I am often in the suite by myself. Like today. There is a little conference room with a fax machine in the suite. When the fax is out of paper, and a fax is waiting to be printed, the machine "beeps" about every 30 seconds. Not so loud as to be really disruptive, but just loud enough to be heard. It has been beeping for the past few hours, while I saw a few clients this afternoon. I am trying not to respond to its "demand" until I am ready. I will be ready after I finish this post. In the meantime...a nagging "beep" runs in the background. That's so much like my mind. There is noise in the background...thoughts, concerns, cares of the day, absurd and eccentric thoughts...little intruders...beeping their reminders ever so faintly...(or at times, shouting their reminders in harsh screeches).

I know I will never arrive at my ideal of complete calm and mindful presence. But I also know something else. Here it is: When the psalmist wrote "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46) he knew wherein he spoke. And we hardly know what that is about anymore. Oh, we read that and say, "how true" but...we don't really know that...we think..."I pray or I meditate in the car on my way to work.." and we think we'll get to know anything or anyone that way? Not so simple...

I am talking to and about myself. I don't know why, but I know I have this terrible burden toward solitude and silence. It seems like I always have...as though I am being called to it...I feel a kinship with Thoreau. It's funny that I am engaged in a profession where I spend my day conversing. (aside...that just made me think of a line from an old Beatles song..."Martha, my dear, though I spend my days in conversation, please remember me..."). Anyway I get paid to listen and talk.

So I am giving myself a genuine gift for birthday adventure #1. I'll let you know how it turns out after I unwrap it!

the weight of aloneness

"put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation..."  is a line from a David Whyte poem.  A good line.   Here's why I love to blog:  As I am typing, I am easing into a conversation.  There may or may not be a response. But as you are reading this, are we not, indeed, conversing? I know by the nature of how this works that I am not talking to myself, because, indeed, you are reading this right now.   BAM...we are connected...it can't be undone.  You can erase the history on your computer, you can log off in an instant...but we have connected right here and now through these very words...go ahead...try to leave...can you stop reading mid-sentence?...sure you can...but you haven't...you are still here... 

and for some mysterious reason,  I think that's great.

I am going to write and write and each day or week, some words will show up, and one or two will check this out.  It just works that way.  And, better yet,  if it doesn't work that way, you, reader,  wont know it because you wont be here to see it...ahhh... it spares me the embarrassment!  I just hope that somehow there will be some meaning or value to the time that you invest in reading.  And look at this... you are still here, of your own volition!   Unlike some conversations I've had, you are in no way obligated to be here reading right now...you just feel like it.   Haven't we all been in conversations where it slowly dawns on us (often while we are speaking) that the person we are talking to really isn't  listening to what we are saying?  Not here...you are completely free to leave and never come back.  And if you choose to read...it's totally your free choice.  And, as well, you are completely free to comment or not.  If you do, great; if not, that little number counter to the right, (which says "0" as I write this) will tell me someone was here (providing the technology works, and I am not sure it's working yet) and it tickles me to know I've had a visitor.

I am no writer, but I am moved by words.   So I will frequently include the words of real writers often.

Like the phrase...

"The weight of aloneness"

 Four words....but how incredibly powerful!

So even now, at this very moment,  I am easing into a conversation with you ...a slow conversation, and I'm doing most of the talking, but, still... it's cool!