Birthday Adventure #1 - the plan

"Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revery, amidst the pines and hickories and sumachs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, until by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveller's wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time..." from Walden, by Thoreau

My last post referenced "easing into a conversation" ...this one is about easing out of conversation and into solitude. To make a long story short, after a particularly miserable birthday last year, I have decided to celebrate my birthday, which falls on the 5th day of the 11th month, every month, on the 5th, for the next twelve, with a birthday adventure each month. That is a gift I am giving myself. Talk about self-indulgent!

I have made arrangements for birthday adventure #1. I have a reservation for August 5th at a beautiful Monastery out in the country in the middle of nowhere to spend a day in solitude. Me and the monks. Their food is great, they have a nice pond, an area to walk, and most importantly, a respect for silence and solitude.

I have a lot to think over, and a lot of stuff I need to delete/empty out from my brain. I plan on bringing a Bible, a notebook, and a meditation cushion. Things I will not bring...a cellphone, a computer, a newspaper... A one day silent retreat does seem rather short, but to be true to my "plan" my adventures are to only last 24 hours at most.

I aspire to be "monk-like" and I mean that in a very idealistic manner. I am a miserable failure. Perhaps I am "quiet" as a person from an observer's perspective, but I am full of inner noise and conversation. I am not talking about deep, profound, spiritual thoughtfulness. I am talking about superficial noise. I am frequently traveling through time in my head...replaying the past, projecting into the future, dwelling on nonsensical things. In spite of this, I also have had just enough of a taste of true inner peace, calm, quiet and presence to know what it is I am after. Perhaps that's the problem!

As I am typing this, here is what is going on: I rent my office, or rather a suite of offices, that I sublet to other therapists. Several of them have other "day jobs" so I am often in the suite by myself. Like today. There is a little conference room with a fax machine in the suite. When the fax is out of paper, and a fax is waiting to be printed, the machine "beeps" about every 30 seconds. Not so loud as to be really disruptive, but just loud enough to be heard. It has been beeping for the past few hours, while I saw a few clients this afternoon. I am trying not to respond to its "demand" until I am ready. I will be ready after I finish this post. In the meantime...a nagging "beep" runs in the background. That's so much like my mind. There is noise in the background...thoughts, concerns, cares of the day, absurd and eccentric thoughts...little intruders...beeping their reminders ever so faintly...(or at times, shouting their reminders in harsh screeches).

I know I will never arrive at my ideal of complete calm and mindful presence. But I also know something else. Here it is: When the psalmist wrote "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46) he knew wherein he spoke. And we hardly know what that is about anymore. Oh, we read that and say, "how true" but...we don't really know that...we think..."I pray or I meditate in the car on my way to work.." and we think we'll get to know anything or anyone that way? Not so simple...

I am talking to and about myself. I don't know why, but I know I have this terrible burden toward solitude and silence. It seems like I always have...as though I am being called to it...I feel a kinship with Thoreau. It's funny that I am engaged in a profession where I spend my day conversing. (aside...that just made me think of a line from an old Beatles song..."Martha, my dear, though I spend my days in conversation, please remember me..."). Anyway I get paid to listen and talk.

So I am giving myself a genuine gift for birthday adventure #1. I'll let you know how it turns out after I unwrap it!