one year check... closer to fine!

Yesterday, another milestone. My one year post-cancer treatment exam with my ENT and oncologist.  In both cases, I got a thumbs-up!  No sign of cancer.   They did a chest X-Ray...the assistant said that cancer can often pop up in the lungs (metasticize is the better word) after disappearing from the primary site....well, I am glad I didn't have that awareness going into yesterday as it would have been one more thing to stress about.     Sometimes, knowledge=anxiety.   I know that formula...unfortunately, I have googled Michael Douglas and have found some doctors that are quoted as saying that "his type of cancer" (i.e. my type of cancer!)   has a much lower survival rate than the percentages quoted in the media. (Crap, I hate those guys! I'd rather leave this in God's hands.)  Anyway...Chest X-Ray...thumbs up! 

The blood test came back good as well... well, OK...not perfect...my thyroid is a bit "underperforming"  not an unusual side effect of chemo and radiation. After all this education and psychology expertise,  I still discover I have some performance issues.  So, today I start on a little pill to help in that regard.  It's not necessarily forever, just rather for the rest of my life. Big deal, big deal.   Good insurance.  Maybe I'll get an energy boost as well!  

One more stat...my weight...I've put back about 10 pounds of the 30 I lost a year ago going through treatment.   I am happy to stay right there...I weigh what I weighed when I was 29, and I am about to turn 59.  I'll stay there happily, or, if I gain another 10 pounds, I'll weigh 150 and be happy there as well.  I no longer feel or look "guant."  I can walk miles and miles, and I often do.  All things considered, I am so healthy relative to where I was a year ago, that I can almost forget how close to death I actually was.  Stage four throat cancer is no place to be.

So...my mood is lifted by the good reports.  But there are still the occasional visits to the desert...to the place of incredible and total aloneness that became so vast during my treatment that I had times I thought I was literally drowning in my physical and emotional pain.    And, paradoxically, I am drawn back there.  Not to the darkness, but to the light that is present in that solitude. I have this awareness that the answer for me waits there...and I am closer to finding it. I know, I know the "answer"...I am just seeking a deeper union with Him, I guess. And for me, it is in that place of solitude that I encounter God.  That is the place where all the distractions melt away.  That may be the place He calls me to.  

So...I am not giddy, but I am "closer to fine."
Hey, I just can't help loving this song.  I can listen to it 100 times and not get tired of it.  Sure, I don't exactly agree with all the conclusions, but oh, how I love this song...a gem!       How is this possible?  It is just too good.  (How bout these lines... "I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket; I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it."  I know, I know, it's so good! )